Near death experience
I have to admit, I thought I might die last night. I didn’t think I would, but it definitely seemed like a possibility. In short, whatever is wrong with my heart was very bad last night.
The point of this for the purpose of this website is that as I laid there in bed, I tried to focus very hard on each moment. I would take a breath in, and not even think about the breath out. I’d just breathe in, feel the sensations very intensely, as strongly as possible, and if I was still alive after that, I’d focus on the breath out.
On the breath in I’d try to feel every sensation, including the air coming in through my nose or mouth, the heaviness of the air, the smell of the air, whether it was warm or cold, and any other sensations that came to me in that moment. Other than the possible death thing it was an amazing experience; I can’t imagine being more focused on each breath and each moment than this. You can’t simulate something like this; I can’t describe the feeling that one has when there may not be a next breath.
At a time like this you can be overwhelmed with feelings such as grief and sadness, but I try to avoid those for the most part and just focus on the moment. (I feel like I’ve had a good, interesting life, and I’m very happy with the people I’ve gotten to know well in this lifetime.) When I got very sick once before I realized how upset that I was that I didn’t have a will, so after that experience I had a will drafted, and I haven’t worried about that. Again, I just try to be in the moment, knowing that whatever I’m hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, or feeling may be the last thing I hear, see, smell, taste, or feel, and I try to engage with those sensations very deeply.
(On the heart front, I’m scheduled to see two more doctors this week.)