Don’t feel regret that something has passed, feel happiness that it happened
It seems like every fall my subconscious mind gets stronger and starts taking over, which generally leads to OBEs, but also to a funk or depression. It could be that the rapidly reducing sunlight leads to the funk/depression, but it seems like the funk/depression happens long before the darkest days.
In an effort to combat that, and related to yesterday’s post about trust and distrust, I find myself thinking about a girl I knew when I was 20 years old. I worked in the Appliances department at Kmart at the time, and although I can’t remember which department(s) she worked in, I remember that she would come over most days.
At first she came over and we’d talk, and later she would bring over music that she wanted me to listen to, that she wanted to share with me. I enjoyed that then — sharing music is like sharing your soul with someone — and I still enjoy it today. I don’t remember all of the music she played, but I remember her playing The Fixx. The song “One Thing Leads to Another” was one of my favorites then, but she also played their other songs and told me why she liked different parts of each song. This was a long time ago, but she had at least one body piercing that I remember, and she also put different color stripes in her blonde hair. She liked to dance while we talked in the aisle there at Kmart.
Very early on in our in-store relationship I told her that I was engaged and would be moving away soon, but she said she was okay with that, she just wanted to spend time with me before I left. Although I was engaged, I enjoyed spending time with her also. I never saw her outside of work; she just came over when she had a break.
Change one thing ...
As I thought about the whole trust and distrust thing I wrote about yesterday, I realized that if that same event had occurred and we hadn’t moved 1,000 miles away, I probably would have turned to this girl. Maybe it would have been just to talk (like John and Flor in Spanglish), maybe it would have been something more, I don’t know. But as I wrote that article yesterday, memories of her came to mind.
At some point she left Kmart and I hadn’t seen her in a while. It was time for me to leave town, get married, and then drive 1,000 miles to my new college. So I went to my bank to close my bank account in this town, and there she was. She was working as a teller at the bank. There were several tellers working, but there was no way I was going to any line other than hers.
The bank was relatively long and narrow, so as I walked in the tellers were in a row on the right side wall, and she was closest to the door I just walked into. I remember her smile at seeing me. She had a big, bright smile, like the joy of unexpectedly seeing an old friend. I hope I also smiled like that.
I hadn’t thought too much about leaving town until then; leaving was something I wanted to do — to move up and move on — but at that moment I felt bad about it. I wanted to stay with her and get to know her more. But I was engaged, and about to be married. In retrospect it felt a lot like the movie Serendipity.
I don’t recall every saying something to her like, “If I wasn’t about to get married I would like to spend a lot of time getting to know you,” but I hope she knew that’s how I felt. I’m pretty sure she walked me to the door when I left the bank, and I also think we hugged, so I suspect she knew how I felt.
No moral, but gratitude
In the end, there is no moral to this story, just memories and “what if” thoughts, regrets, I suppose.
One thing that comes to mind is that I liked this girl so much, it makes me wonder how I could want to marry my future wife when I had such strong feelings for this other girl. Back then I was very goal driven, or more accurately, I had a lot of angst about my life situation at the time. If I was driven at that time, I was driven to get the hell away from that situation and into something of my own making, far away from where I was then, and my future wife was part of that solution.
I need to clean up this post at some point as I clarify my own feelings, but for the moment I feel gratitude for being able to look back at my life and know that I’ve had several “Spanglish” moments of my own. A friend posted a quote recently that said something like,
“Don’t feel regret that something has passed, feel happiness that it happened.”
and that’s the way I feel right now.
Music by The Fixx
“Running, hiding, lost; you can't find a place to go”:
I’ll be more together,
stretched by fewer
thoughts that leave me
my dreams disown me”: