Tequila/Monk

Suicide

January 7, 2016

In the middle of the night I sat up in bed and screamed, “NO!”

The full sentence was, “M! No! Don’t do it! (Don’t kill yourself.)”

(I was calling out to a friend, and her name began with an “M.”)

I was reliving a scene from when I was 22, and what I said in reliving it was, “When I’m in my forties there’s something I do, and the reason I do that is because of you. You are important. You have already affected my life. Please, talk to me.”

After sitting up in bed I wished I could have said that when I was 22. I wished that you could see time like that, and tell people how important they are in time. I wished that people could be honest with each other before it came to this.

I was crying already, and started to cry more, but then I started shaking, as usual. “Fuck,” I muttered, grabbing the trash can by the side of the bed, and vomiting into it.

After getting up, rinsing my mouth out, and cleaning off my face, I returned to bed and closed my eyes. But before I could even fall back to sleep I was standing on a sidewalk in a large city. It was late at night, and the street was illuminated only by street lights. I felt very groggy, but managed to look to my left and to my right. The street and sidewalk were dirty, but I only saw one person nearby, a “bum” or homeless person on the sidewalk in front of me.

I was standing in the street, and then I took two steps to get onto the sidewalk and head towards this person, but then stopped and fell down onto my knees. I was blacking out. “Help me ... please,” was the last thing I said before falling completely onto the ground in front of this person.

At this point I realized that going back to sleep wasn’t going to be an option, so at about 3:30am I got up, made some coffee, started to read a book, then started on a project for work. When I turned on the music, this is the first song I heard:

In retrospect, I wouldn’t mind dreams and visions like this if they actually helped someone, or if I could help someone like in The Dead Zone. But without being able to do that, it feels like these things are just sucking the life out of this body.

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