A George divided
All day today I've felt like George in the Seinfeld episode where he was telling Jerry that "A George divided against itself cannot stand." In his case, he was feeling that way because of his new relationship with Susan, and Susan spending time with Elaine, the worlds of Relationship George and Independent George were colliding.
My conflict today is between Zen Me and Work Me. Zen Me is the guy who meditates and listens to Monroe Institute hemi-sync recordings, while Work Me is the guy that goes to work, talks to people, and tries to have a "regular" life. Today I felt very divided, mostly because Zen Me wouldn't succumb to Work Me this morning.
For the last two nights I've been meditating and chanting a little bit (mostly the Heart Sutra), and then this morning, as I felt very groggy, I decided to listen to a Monroe hemi-sync recording named Attention. I thought this recording would help me gain some focus, but at the end of the recording where Bob prompts you to wake up, and tells you that you're feeling fresh and relaxed, I knew I was in trouble. I was still a zombie. I didn't want to wake up, I was enjoying the peace and relaxation of listening to the recording and letting my physical body get deeply relaxed, but I really had to get up and go to work.
I wasn't any better by the time I got to work, and in fact I spent the whole morning I in a trance. From a Zen perspective it was cool, because I was paying attention to each little action, including simple things like opening a door or sipping on my coffee. I was also very focused, in a weird sort of way. I didn't have many thoughts rumbling around in my brain, and in fact, my whole area of focus seemed to be in a small physical area just in front of me.
I bought a large coffee from Starbucks this morning to try to help me wake up, but all I really did was keep warming it up in the microwave, and then holding it with both hands like a security blanket. After trying to fight the feeling all morning, I finally gave up just after lunch. My worlds had collided, and Zen Me had absolutely no interest in Work Me, or in work, period. So I called it a day, and left.
It's now just after 4 p.m., and I'm still a zombie. When I went to the Monroe Institute a few years ago they talked about the need for "grounding", and now I can clearly see why. Not only am I groggy-yet-focused, and mildly delirious, I also feel a little bit like puking. Apparently being a space cadet for long periods isn't easy on the stomach.