Problems with "reality"

November 30, 2008

I'm starting to have a problem with "reality" again.

At a holiday party/gathering last night, I sat at the dinner table, and just thought "None of this is real, screw it." I wanted to get up and leave, or at least walk away, but for some reason -- maybe so I didn't scare some of my younger relatives -- I didn't. But something about this "normal", human life just isn't right, and I know it.

After the gathering I went home, a little sad on a variety of levels, and decided to drink some mojito coolers I've had in the refrigerator for a while, to wash away the sadness. Then, before going to bed, even though I didn't want to do it, I shuffled the deck of cards with my eyes closed, and placed the top card from the deck face side up.

As I turned and walked away, still with my eyes closed, I had a very clear impression that the card suit was spades, and it wasn't a face card, it was a numbered card. How many numbers? Four? No, it was more than that, more like six, maybe eight, but not as many as ten. (Unlike an OBE, where I actually see the number and suit, here I only had an impression of the number of spade images on the card.)

So rather than go to bed and try to have an OBE after drinking (which usually doesn't work for me), I just turned around, flipped on the light over the range, and saw that the card was indeed the Eight of Spades.

"F*** it", I said, "none of this is f-ing real anyway, so who cares." And I went to bed.

I don't know what a human life is, but I want to say that it isn't real. Right now my life feels like the movie The Matrix, where there's something completely different going on than what appears to be happening. (And yes, it does feel like I'm typing on this keyboard right now, but I've had "dreams" at night that have felt just as real.)

The part of my sadness that I'm willing to share here right now has to do with me seeing these cards, and having these OBEs. With all these things going on, but without also being able to crack the code, I'm sad, and frustrated.

Obviously I'm a little cranky at the moment, but doesn't a "normal" life seem like a real waste of time right now? I'm just not in the mood to get up and go to work in the morning when these things are happening on a regular basis, and I don't give a crap about conversations regarding tv shows, movies, or celebrities.


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