The Little Ego fights back
I was in the shower this morning after throwing everyone out of the basement, and started saying some of the usual things to myself:
Be here now.
Be here, be now.
Be here. Be now.
Just be. Just be.
As I did this I could feel that I was becoming only awareness, everything else was slipping away, but as this happened I felt a sense of panic from my Little Ego. A friend used the word palpable a few days ago, and that fits here as well. I could almost hear the Little Ego screaming and crying:
“Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, what will I do without you? What will you do without me?”
I have to say, that last question was good. Really good. As Pema Chodron would say, I felt the “hook” right there. (Another word for hook is “shenpa,” which she describes at this video link and this text link.) What would I do without the Little Ego? I’ve known him/her/it all my life, can I live without it? What would life be like without it? That thought stopped me in my tracks.
I had to get on with the shower then, but tonight I’m ready to let the Little Ego go. I admit, it’s a bit scary; what’s life like without the Little Ego? I have no idea.
It reminds me of graduating from high school. The entire time I was in high school, all I wanted to do was get out, and then on graduation night it hit me that I was finally going to get out and oh by the way, what the hell was I going to do now?
Well, that worked out okay, so I’m going to try to have a little faith that this is going to work out okay, too.
(Aside: When I was younger I didn’t like the word faith, but these days, if I was younger and had a female child, I’d consider the name Faith.)