Third death

August 24, 2015

As a quick “note to self,” Saturday night was the third time I’ve gone to bed in the last eighteen months not knowing if I’d ever wake up again. Technically that’s not exactly right. The first time an event happened was last February, and I went to bed not feeling well, then woke up around 2am and immediately knew something was very wrong. I got up, made it to the bathroom, sat down, and passed out. So during that event I didn’t go to bed thinking I might not wake up again, but I passed out knowing that I might not wake up again.

A few weeks later the “heart attack” event happened. I laid in bed, unable to move, because if I tried to move I would have severe chest pain. So I just laid there on my side, not moving, looking around the room by moving only my eyes, until I quickly passed out. (At one point doctors did an ultrasound of some sort on my heart and thought the blood was flowing backwards in my heart at times. A later TEE test showed that this was not happening at the time of that test.)

This Saturday the third event happened. Over the last few weeks I have been having severe headaches. At first they were every three days, then every two days, and here lately they have been much more constant, though varying in levels of severity. Saturday night ended up being the worst yet, and I went to bed feeling like the right side of my head was going to explode. About six years ago I hit my head very hard on the top, right side, ending up with a minor concussion, and that’s exactly where the pain was coming from. As I told my doctor, the headaches feel like a migraine on one side of my head, and on Saturday night I had taken ibuprofen, Tylenol, allergy medicines, neti-pot saline rinses for my sinuses, everything I could think of, and the pain was still insane.

I didn’t pass out this time, but fell asleep, then woke up 5-6 times during the night. At first the pain was still there, and then some time around 1-2am it finally started subsiding.

During the heart attack event and this last event I’ve had enough time to lay there and think, “If I live through this, what should I do? How should I change my life?” But in each case I haven’t come up with anything major. Hopefully that’s a good sign that my life is on some sort of track that I’m happy with. There are a few minor things I would like to change, but nothing major like “You need to move to a new state, get a new job in a new field, etc.” If anything, I just want to turn up the intensity of what makes me happy right now. So I’m grateful for that.

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