Fifteen years after a bargain with God

November 7, 2015

About fifteen years ago doctors thought that I had MS or Lou Gehrig’s Disease, or something along that line. I was rapidly losing feeling in my hands and feet, my awareness of the outside world felt very wrong, and I was unstable on my feet.

This was near Thanksgiving of that year. The specific day I’m thinking about was a Sunday. My wife and some friends wanted to go out, but I hadn’t told them I wasn’t feeling well, and asked them to go out by themselves. I hadn’t told anyone other than the doctors the extent of how bad I was feeling, and I really just wanted to be alone.

At one point in the afternoon the problems got so bad that I got a piece of paper and a pen and started writing out my will. I wanted to do this right now because I was losing feeling in my hands so fast that I didn’t know if I’d be able to write it out any later. Things were that bad.

As I did this I started thinking about what I wanted out of the rest of my life, however long or short that would be. My wife and I weren’t getting along really well at this time, and the thought occurred to me that I’d really like to fall in love one more time before I die. Maybe my wife and I could find love again, or maybe it would be with someone else. I didn’t really care, I just wanted to feel that way again.

A chance meeting

The next morning on the drive to work I noticed a bakery. I had seen the bakery before, but never really gave it much thought. Now that my life seemed to be slipping away extremely fast I thought, “Fuck work,” and went to the bakery instead. I got out of the car, ordered something from one woman, and stared out a window while I waited a few minutes for it to be made. When they called my order I turned and saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She literally had a halo of white light around her head.

She attempted to hand me the order across the counter, but our hands never met and the food fell on the floor. I don’t know if I didn’t reach for the food, or she didn’t hand it to me all the way, or what happened. All I knew was that I saw this white light around her head and I was transfixed by it.

She came out from behind the counter to clean up the mess, and I kneeled down and helped her. She said it was her fault, I said it was my fault, but I had no idea what happened.

Over the next few days and weeks I fell in love. I went to the bakery every morning I had a few extra minutes, and we’d talk. After the first few visits she would come out from behind the counter and sit with me for a few minutes before I had to leave.

Forward to today

My reason for writing all of this again today is that these days I wouldn’t mind falling in love with someone again, but ... I don’t want to say, “Dear God, if I could just fall in love once more before I die, I’ll never ask for anything else, and you can take me away,” like I did before. I already went to that well once before, and it would be wrong to backtrack on that deal.

The odd part is that I’m also not a big believer in a Supreme Being, so while that “Ask for love and you’ll get it the very next day” experience was amazing — and I’m thankful for it — it feels hypocritical for me to say, “Dear God, I don’t believe in you ... but if you are there ... even though I said I’d never ask for anything else, you know, that was 15 years ago, and I wouldn’t mind experiencing love again ... you know, if you’re not too busy with other things.”

So that’s where my brain is, at least in regards to love and God, fifteen years after I made that bargain.

(P.S. - I didn’t have MS or Lou Gehrig’s Disease. I just had a severe reaction to taking Claritin, an anti-allergy medication.)

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