I never was a godfather

January 17, 2016

I was thinking about “regrets” this morning. I certainly have some, and I’ve written about a few of those here. But they were mostly things I couldn’t do with other women I really liked because I got engaged and married young. So it’s hard to use the word “regret” there; I had to make a choice one way or another — I couldn’t have both things — and I’m fine with the choice(s) I made.

Have no regrets for things not done

A weird thing that comes to mind is that I was never a “godfather.” I have six nieces and nephews, and I was never once asked to be a godfather for any of them. I can’t say that this is a “regret,” as I didn’t have a direct choice in the matter, but it feels a little disappointing. One item on my personal Tombstone Test is to “be a good son, brother, and uncle,” so I feel like I failed in that regard.

But in retrospect, given the “weird” content of this website, it’s probably best for the kids that I’m not their godfather. :) I have no illusions about my place in the world these days. I know I don’t experience the world the way that 99.9999% of other people do, and I’m okay with that. I don’t really feel weird. I just think this body and soul are 1,000 years ahead of our time here, meaning that at some point I hope/think other humans will experience the world the way I do. (Some people have black skin, some have white; some are gay, some are straight; some have OBEs and other paranormal experiences, some don’t.)

That being said, at the time people could have chosen me to be a godfather they didn’t know about this side of me. My wife didn’t even know the depths of what I was experiencing, although she did know some of it.

Surrogate dad

In a strange twist to this story, one of my sisters once asked me if I would take care of their children if she and her husband were ever in a fatal accident. I think this was before the movie Raising Helen, but it was the same theme. It strikes me as odd that I wasn’t a choice to be a godfather, but I was a first choice to be a surrogate father. Fortunately (for the kids) it never came to that.

New Mexico or bust

In other news, I’ll be heading to New Mexico soon. Given things that are going on in my life right now, it seems like a good time to go there and visit some old friends.

I should note that this is one of those “More there than here” times. I feel like I’m barely in this body right now. There have been a lot of strange things lately that I haven’t had time to write about, all of them along the “More there than here” line. After my wife and I were separated I honestly thought there would be more times like this. Marriage forced me to be grounded during times like this, and now with no external force to keep me here, this feeling can be overwhelming. All I can do to stay here is focus on the moment.

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